Mushy Monday

I got this article from the now defunct peyups.com and I used to be able to relate to this...

★ Piper ★

A Love Letter for the One Who Got Away

Hi! How are you?
You know what? I thought of you today. I don't know how, in the midst of my most hectic days, thoughts of you manage to squeeze their way into my mind. I don't know how you do it, considering that I haven't heard from you for four years now. Come to think of it, I didn't even realize until now that it has been four years. Four years, so many "relationships" since then, and yet, I still go back to you. 

I know, it's not your fault we're not even friends anymore. After all, I was the one who changed numbers and didn't tell you. But please understand that, at that time, I thought it was the best way to go for both of us. I couldn't get the closure that I wanted, because I knew you were just a text away. Besides, back then, I was considering dating one of my closest friends seriously, and the only way I could possibly do that without going crazy was by cutting you off. I’m sorry for that.

I remember how we met. It was the most unconventional of ways. Thanks to our new modem, everything started with a simple, "ASL please," and ended with, "Can I have your number?" And though I regarded you then as nothing more than a group of words that, once in a while, grazed my computer monitor, you managed to jump right off the screen and change my life in a way that no one else was able to do.

I was the ultimate cynic before I met you, and I know I shouldn’t be reminding you of this, because you know this so well. I was the girl who was terrified to commit, terrified to lay her heart out on the open, terrified to gamble, for the weirdest and most confusing reasons. 

Actually, now that I had so much time to think about it, my phobia back then can actually be summed up in four words: fear of getting hurt. I was so petrified at the thought of getting hurt, that I made people believe that I regarded them closely, but actually dealt with them at arms' length. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I originally planned to do the same with you. Of course, you wouldn't allow me. That was one of the reasons why, I believe, I fell for you.

My love life, predictably, has a very sad and sorry cycle. Guy X falls for me. I fall for him. He tries to get close to me. I place him at a safe distance. He tries to get closer. I push him farther away. He gets tired of trying. I get tired of myself. We let go. I try bitterly to move on. I meet Guy Y, but I can't deal with him too well because I'm still moping about Guy X. And the cycle repeats itself almost automatically. I know that to be happy, you have to gamble, but I was never a good risk taker. Not until after you.

You were unlike any guy I've ever met before. Well, you were antipatiko and suplado, even maldita! You were a spoiled brat who was used to getting what he wanted in an instant. Admittedly, I was a spoiled brat too. So we clashed. You hated all the things that I loved, and I loathed all the things that interested you. It was a match made in hell. But somehow, for some unknown reason, you stayed put.

I still don't know how you did it. Well, you did start by texting me once every week. Then you called me once a week. Then the calls and the texts became more frequent, until it got to a point that I was too busy texting you to pay any attention to my classes. I was spending 250 pesos a week for prepaid call cards, which I thought was fair enough, since you were spending the same amount in two days. Plus, my phone's batteries, which used to last all day, was drained in two hours max.

Not long after, somehow, someway, you managed to pull the rug off from under me. And before I even knew what was happening, I had been swept off my feet.

I remember just now, how the simplest of your gestures can make me so giddy. I remember how I was when I used to wait for your call. I used to shudder in anticipation of hearing your voice, literally speaking. And when you text me, it was like nothing else mattered-at all. My former room mates even used to tease me about it. They told me they can always tell when you send me a text message, since my face automatically lights up when I see your name appear on the screen. 

I can vaguely remember the kilig feeling, but I know that it felt like my insides were turning to mush, my muscles were dissolving in electricity, and butterflies were hammering against my throat. I know, they don't sound too good in print, but they are, in actuality, the best feelings in the world.

I remember, still quite vividly, how the mere memory of your laugh was enough to make me smile, and how the mere sound of your voice had been enough to brighten up the darkest of my days. I remember looking forward to waking up every morning, because I knew it would be another day to communicate with you. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was falling for you. Somehow, however, I tried to bury them to the deepest recesses of my heart in the hope of vanquishing them forever.

I remember quite well how you told me, countless of times, how much you loved me. Unfortunately, I am also constantly reminded how cruel I was. Because every time you said you cared, I always found ways to avoid answering back. I'd tell you, "I like you as a person," or I'd say, "Mushy!" It got to the point, however, that I got tired of making up ways to avoid your question that I just told you, "You know I can’t answer that right now." I'm so darn stupid! I would always have to stop from banging myself against the wall when I remember how badly I treated you. And, I know, no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry, nothing would ever change anything.

You asked me once why I liked you. And I told you, "Because you make me happy." And you know what? You really did. You made me happy, in a way that I never thought I could ever be. I thank you for that.

To tell you honestly, I don't remember how you look like. I can only remember certain aspects, like your braces, and your smile, and the feel of your hand on my back. But I do remember, so very well, the sound of your voice, your musical laughter, and sadly, even the distant and angry tone of your voice as we neared our goodbyes. 

Maybe I'll never forget you. Maybe I'll never live down the fact that I had you-but I let you go. Was it that, or was it that I had you, but I did not work hard, did not fight hard enough to make you stay? I don't know. I don't want to think, and I don't believe that now is the time to rationalize about these things. Because the truth of the matter is, you're gone.

I hate living this life, knowing that I'll be thinking of these "what if's" for the rest of my life. I hate wishing that I could turn back time, so that I could correct all my mistakes, took all the risks I should have taken, and reached for your hand when you held it out for me. But it's too late for that, and it's not even plausible anyway.

I can't help but wonder, once in a while, how you're doing. I wonder if you're happy, or if some lucky creature is making you happy. I wonder if you still think of me, or even just remember that I exist. Because I think of you. Every single day, against my will, against my better judgment. I've fooled myself long enough to believe that you're not important in my life, not essential to my existence. I'm tired of my own masquerade. I just want to acknowledge the fact that yes, you have touched my life, even if I have acknowledged this too late.

A lot of people say, "There are many fishes in the sea." They weren't lying. I found that out myself after we separated ways. I dated like hell when you said goodbye, trying to numb myself from the pain, trying to ignore the emptiness that was left with the vacuum that you created in my life. But you know what? At the end of the day, it was still you. I couldn't find the special spark that I found in you, not even in better-looking or funnier or smarter or richer guys. They didn't have the magic that you had. They couldn't make my insides melt with a smile. They couldn’t ease away all my pains with a call. Simply put, they were not you. Yes, they were many, but none of them was you.

I wish you could see me now. I believe I can safely say that I'm a much better person now than I was four years ago. I have a better perspective on life and love. I don't make up fights anymore just to make things interesting. I don't make up stories anymore to test how much people love me. I don't play mind games anymore. And when I feel something, I say it. I'm not afraid to love anymore. I'm not afraid to get hurt. I'm no longer afraid to take risks. I just wish you were here to see the new, different me. But then again, that could never happen, no matter how hard I try to wish for it.

You know what? Because of you, I promised myself a few things. I promised myself that I would never be afraid to fall or get hurt. I promised myself that I would take risks, seize opportunities, and conquer my fears. I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies.

I used to believe that when you lose someone, you'll get a chance to meet them again. I used to believe in second chances. Losing you has taught me that there are no second chances in life. When you meet someone, and you are given that chance to change their lives, you have to take hold of that opportunity, because that is the only chance you've got. You have your chance, and that's it. You have to make the most out of it, and then let go when it's time. People come and go, and you have to live with it.

I constantly have to remind myself that you've done your part in my life. You taught me the lesson you came to teach, so you have to leave. I have to move on. I shouldn't wait.

What I told Mr Ex-Rebound

Two years ago, I was in a serious, romantic long-distance relationship. Prior to it being an LDR, we (he and I) were practically together everyday until I had to leave for a dream that I have long been praying even before I met him (although I did tell him about this when we met)...

LDR went well at the the beginning until such time that I was the ONLY one putting effort and well he, was putting effort alright, but not for me, to another woman. My last message to him after all has been said and done is the one below...




"LEARN TO STAY IN ONE. A relationship isn't only good for the happy parts. You stay for everything. You make it work and not give up. You communicate and try to compromise. You don't highlight the mistakes that have long been forgiven for rather you move on. You wait like you promised. You don't go searching for another one just because you feel 'lonely'. You don't abruptly end one so that you can just conveniently go into another."

★ Piper ★

Casper

I am overwhelmed and encouraged by the positive comments. I know my writing isn't publish-worthy but these posts have long been promised to my friends here. :P Might as well start somewhere. :-) By the way, the posts are not all SGP. They vary so please feel free to indulge yourself in reading them.

Who doesn't forget their first? Even the most cocky, playboy/girl-ish men and women have their own share of firsts. And me, simple ol' me also have my own share. Now before you get excited if it's my first time in doing the thingy, it's not... awwww :P Read on! 

I mentioned in this A-Z series about Alvin who suddenly went MIA. I also did mention that people do not usually learn after a one-time mistake; usually takes more than that. I am not proud to say that the first guy I considered my "boyfriend" and I met in a very unorthodox way. He probably was doing what I did in the Alvin story one day in August of 1995. I was at my Dad's office when I picked up the phone. He looked for another person's name; I told him "wrong number". 

During this time, it was pretty common to get a wrong number so I just quickly hung up after. A good five or ten minutes after, he called again and since my Dad wasn't back yet, I picked up the phone again. It was him. I forgot what his words were but I soon found myself talking with him. 

I was a few days shy of my 15th birthday and he was 19. Let's call him Casper because it was the movie about to be shown or was being shown right about that time. Casper, based on what he told me, is a 3rd year college student from FEU. Management something yung course. He was a drummer in their pep squad. During this time, UAAP wasn't as big as it is today although I was already a fan because Paolo Mendoza was my crush. 

At the end of our first hour-long conversation, he asked for my phone number. What followed was a two-week long "courtship." Then, we became a couple. At this point, I still have not seen him and there was still no FB or IG. But we both agreed we will meet, of course. It happened on a Tuesday afternoon. 

My Mom was still at work. And my Dad wouldn't be home yet. My grandmother tended to some errands so only the house help were at home. They knew Casper will be there. I was giddy and scared. After all, what if he wasn't the guy I had envisioned. His description of himself was pretty much typical and genetic: 5'6 1/2 tall, medium built with muscles coz of his drumming thing, clean cut, not maputi nor maitim. Heck, he could be anyone! Pwede rin yung nagta-tricycle sa kanto but of course I didn't say that. I just said: "whatever you look like, I already care for you." 

That line still works for me in the present day. LOL. Going back, I heard a trike stop. 

I told him our gate was white but it wasn't. So I saw this guy alight the trike, and then glanced in my direction. It was then that I opened our gate and asked him to come in. My heart was beating very fast. OMG, I'm kilig! This is it. In present time, this is like the #kathniel with a mix of Forevermore. Okay, I'm exaggerating but I felt so happy, it's like my lips were on auto-smile. As soon as I closed the gate behind us, he grabbed my hand. Then I came. KIDDING! Agad agad?! LOL We then went inside and sat at the sofa. 

I was reeling with the reality. OMG. You've arrived, P. May boyfriend ka na. You're 15 and he's uhm, so matured. Si "Ate" served us snacks then discreetly left us. I noted that I will treat her isaw later that day. haha. One thing that I can still remember vividly was how great Casper smelled. Susme, parang walking perfume. Ang his hands, which never let go of mine, were so soft. Parang hindi nagda-drums. So we were sweet sweet and all. He asked about school which ended early on that day etc. He saw a guitar lying around the house and he gamely got it and sang for me. 

In my mind, ay grabe mahal ko na siya. Hahaha. Then we stopped. He then stared at me and asked if he may kiss me. I'm like. OMG. Hala, how will I tell him I have no idea how to kiss. Sa tanang buhay ko, ang naka-kiss pa lang sa akin ay Dad ko at Lolo ko. Susmaria. Baka mabuntis ako. Yes, that's how innocent and naive I was. Akala ko pag ki-niss ako ay mabubuntis ako. He sensed my hesitation and nervousness. He said, "okay lang if you're not ready." 

I looked at him gratefully but a nagging feeling didn't leave me. I was curious and scared. Obviously, my curiosity got the better of me. I looked at him and said yes. He looked at my face (imagine, shy pa ako nun so medyo naka-bow sa side nang unti ang head). :P He tipped my head and lightly grazed thumb on my lips. I closed my eyes. 

Oh my gosh. I was thinking. "Papatayin ako pag nabuntis ako pero baka hindi naman mabuo..." Then slowly, I can feel his breath on my face then he kissed me on my lips. Sweet, soft, and short. I opened my eyes and looked at him. I asked, "yun lang?" 

Then he laughed and he said I didn't want to do something you might not like. Sabi ko, it wasn't even long enough for me to know whether it was something I'd like or not. He smiled then he said, "okay." I then braced myself. Again. Then he stopped. 

He said, have you heard of the crucifix kiss? I looked at him as if he said the most amazing thing on Earth. "What?", I uttered. Then he said, it's like this. He then kissed me ever so lightly on my forehead. Wow. Sarap. Then he went to my left cheek, then to my right. Lastly, he went to my lips. He kissed my lips with such softness that I felt like I had butter on my lips. 

It wasn't forceful nor aggressive and during that young age of mine, I thought it was love... Aaargghh... Casper gave crucifix an entirely different meaning.

★ Piper ★

Battery!

I am thankful that I grew up during the time that working on our homework and research papers really entailed labouring in the library and going through books older than myself. In spite of this tasking exercise, I remember that I enjoyed doing these things instead of how the now millenials go about with their work doing everything easy and fast. You seldom hear people saying how enjoyable the research work was. Oh well.

Anyway, in late '98 or '99, I discovered the world of chatting via the Internet. Since 1996/97, I have already been curious about the Internet but officially started using it in '97 when I entered college. My curiosity and boredom led me to the world of ICQ, YM chatrooms, and yes, the mIRC. It was an entirely different, that mIRC. Suddenly, you had an entire environment clearly devoid of any identity --- you can be anyone. I can be anyone. The world of anonymity was exciting, very exciting. I only frequented then two servers: Undernet and Dalnet. I still remember the smile on my face once the then dial-up system has successfully connected. Using Internet cards then with "unlimited" connection at certain hours seemed like the freebies of the current world.

 In one of those nights, I met Macky. It was in a wholesome channel. I was 19, he was a year younger. We chatted until the wee hours of the morning. He then asked for my landline number. During this time, mobile phones were already available but not as dependable as today. We enjoyed talking with each other and I got to know him more. Sadly, I also had to leave the country that time. But we continued communicating, albeit not regularly, via YM. We became really good friends and he'd keep me updated with his modelling gigs. (Macky was a ramp model.) At sometime during our YM's, we had already traded pictures and I guess he didn't like me enough to make a move on me or perhaps he treasured our 'friendship' more. He'd always say it was the latter but I think the realist me always thought it was the former. Nonetheless, we kept contact and remained to be 'friends'.

 Fast forward to 2003, I am already back in Pinas for a good few years right about this time. Chatting in mIRC was still "in" but other ways have taken form.

One Saturday night, Macky buzzed me. Surprised (pleasantly, mind you), I immediately typed, "uy musta?" He then asked how I've been etc. We would sometimes already text but during this time we'd still keep in touch via YM or mIRC. He asked if I wanted to see him. I answered nonchalantly, "okay lang." (Deep inside, I was like, hell YES... pogi e! hahaha) Then he said, "wow, napilitan..." I told him, I felt it was anti-climatic but he said, "come on, let's really hang out! we have known each other for years now..."

To make the long story short, us, South peeps both decided to meet in Eastwood. During that time, Eastwood was the place to be. The center area in Eastwood, where the mall and buildings are now, was just a parking lot before. We agreed to meet in Bargo. I brought my closest girl friend and he told me he'll also bring in his closest buddy.

My friend and I arrived early and was just enjoying chatting when this effing good-looking guy approached our table. I was thinking, (t#ang%na, he looks wayyyy better in person). Smiling, he extended his hand which I immediately shook. We then introduced our respective friends. We are having a great time at the bar when his friend, let's call him, Eric said we should just hang out somewhere else. My friend and I said yes.

Since I had my car and he had his too, we both decided that he will ride with me and my friend (who thankfully clicked with Eric) will ride with Eric in his car. So off we go and convoyed until we reach my friend's apartment in Makati. (We bought some booze along the way) We started drinking.

During this time, I was already not really a drinker so it was pretty much a drinking fest among the three of them. Then we played Truth or Consequence. Alam na. :P

My friend and I were both whispering that kissing any of them wouldn't be so bad. In my mind though, I know that I just want to kiss Macky. The questions were too revealing and personal and the consequences were too exciting: kiss sa noo, smack sa lips, FK, FK for 10 seconds, FK for 20seconds, you get the drift.

Needless to say, I was able to kiss both: Eric on his cheek and Macky on his lips (yes!) LOL. Ang sarap. Ang lambot.

And the great thing was he responded with gusto. Whether it was the liquor or libog, I'll take it haha. We then took pictures or selfies as the younger generation now would call it, using a good old digi cam. My 6600's picture then wasn't clear so thankfully my friend brought out her cam.

 Then Eric and my friend started getting into it. They were kissing and I can see Eric's hands on my friend's legs and waist. As I looked at Macky, he then kissed me. The kissing was getting heavy and touchy so I told my friend we'll go to her room. She said okay.

A few minutes later, they went in too. My friend has two twin-sized beds in her room so each of us positioned ourselves comfortably. Lights were out and we both knew that each couple was heavily making out. I can hear my friend moaning from their kisses (and who knows what else) and I inadvertently found myself moaning too from Macky's kisses and touch.

Suddenly, my friend and Eric stood up. I then felt my friend's voice telling me they'll just go to the bathroom. I already knew what it meant. Since she was going to do it, I thought I might as well since I know anyway that's what I want. Thankfully, Macky has a condom. The whole time we were kissing and dry humping, I can sense his tool.

Macky stands 5'11 1/2 and my semi-naive thought then was his tool would be relatively long and big considering. I can feel his hardness as he (still with his clothes) went on top of me continuously kissing me and removing my top.

 Fast forward...we were both already semi-naked and can feel the urge to be connected. He asked me if it's okay and I told him yes and just reminded him to put the condom. And then bang. I can feel him doing pumps on top of me and I asked him, "babe, put it in." hoarsely he replied, "it is in, babe" I can feel nothing or perhaps a finger thing.

I moved a little bit to accommodate him easily just in case. F*ck nothing. He just proceeded and continued it and I, pretending to enjoy it until he said, "I'm coming..." I lied, I said, "me too"

 It was after this that I finally saw the "battery" --- To make things worse (the guys left morning the next day), my friend and Eric didn't do it! She got scared with Eric's big tool! Eric stands 6'2. Grrrrr...

Every time we talk about that crazy and epic night, one word: battery!


★ Piper ★

Alvin

I grew up during the time where a PLDT subscription application does not take a week, a month, a year, not five years, but a decade. hahaha. Okay, that may be an exaggeration but our application where I grew up took a while. 

You can only just imagine how psyched I was when we finally had a landline phone! I was 15 then and was at the stage where I take joy watching Ang TV yet was also curious reading Sidney Sheldon and Danielle Steel books. I was the type of teenager who'd still wait for my Mom to alight from the trike (clearly we didn't have our own vehicles then). But, I was also the type very eager to "fall" in love, whatever that means. :P 

 The only thing I kept myself preoccupied then was the landline phone we had. When everyone else had turned in, I'd take the receiver and dial a bunch of numbers. Those who are within my age, know this the crossline era. You'd hear many people taking at the same time throwing in names (or aliases) and a bunch of numbers. Nice sounding guys had their numbers written down. (I will find out later though that not all nice-sounding guys are good looking ones.) 

One of these numbers was a guy named "Alvin." He was pleasant sounding on the phone and was a good 3 or 4 years older than me. He seemed "decent" in the way he communicated with me. Or perhaps I clearly didn't know then. We kind of became a "couple" which then seemed okay enough. He was sweet, consistent (in calling), and seemed to want to see me. Until one day, nothing. No calls. Nothing. I called him but there were reasons like he wasn't home to he was already asleep. The current Pinai would have ended there but the naive and stupid me called like crazy. I cried too. He never called me ever again. Alvin was my first virtual heartbreak. Nonetheless, I learned from this experience and make sure not to let this happen again. But of course, (like with most of you), it was easier said than done. 


★ Piper ★

What's your story?

I have always wondered what's behind a person's success, or failure in some cases, whether it be in work, family, love, and family. I shall soon be leaving my "old world" hopefully permanently yet my stories continue. I hope you shall join me still as I embark on my "new journey"

★ Piper ★